On a side track !

Don't know if it's normal or not but lately reading has been like a reflection-inducing process .
And two days ago reading words written about/by Dirk Bogarde made me -suddenly-  realize for the first time in years why exactly I loved my field of profession yet I never really bothered to read about its developments. I don't love It, I just loved its dynamics, that's all, The Dynamics. More like loving to eat regardless of what you eat or its quality, or even learning to cook. Like loving sex regardless of the partner. Strange but true.
I think I did write an old post here about being Adrenaline-junkie -on a minimum level of course ☺-, I loved the excitement that is in the tight schedule and challenge in finding a way to do things with what we have in hand, even producing a creative product. I liked the capability of being creative, even on a tiny scale. I loved that it wasn't bureaucratic or red-tape obedient. I loved the team-work with people I used to work with, we were literally like playing ping-pong always making our best each in his area to produce the best we can.
I loved all that yet I never ever wanted to read more into the profession, the field of knowledge,  I thought I loved It so I always wondered why can't I stand reading in its new developments. I mean I love reading in general and I spend hours surfing the internet to read about a lot of things yet I never could stand reading in details of my profession for more than 2-3 hours continuously !!! and all would be forgotten in a week at the max. It won't occupy the tiniest space in my head for long.
But, thanks to the reflections I've been having compulsively lately I think I was enlightened and freed at the same time.
Enlightened for now I understand why I used to love what I'm doing for living, not anymore in a way. And freed because I know now that I can leave it if I want -and can-  and all I need to do is find another medium that need only to have the dynamics I used to love.

Thanks Dirk ☺☺ you've been very helpful and a powerful source of my happiness lately.

Letters to be kept

I want to keep these specifically in the blog , from Dirk Bogarde ,the authorized Biography

1-

 2-

3-

Crazy!, Obsessed . yes I am.

Oh my GOD, I AM, became, obsessed with him, the actor, the writer, and most of all the human being that was Dirk Bogarde.
I need to make a label here for him, Because my posts about him are increasing in a way I didn't expect myself ! and I'm labeling the older posts too. These posts about him seem to be continuing for some more time, I'm still digging and discovering and every thing I find makes me want more, and probably makes me want to write more even if I didn't actually write, for what ever reason.
I even can't work with concentration, I sneak into the web browser and search for the books by him or about him and read what I can. Unfortunately I can't find these books in hard copies and so I have to search for soft copies online. Which is also hard to find easily.
I've been thinking  while I'm searching and reading and watching and listening, why do I do this in this fierce rate?. I have a reason or two that I'll keep to my self, But I think one of the important reasons is that I like mystery and so I try to solve, or imagine to have solved, what is to me is identified as a puzzle, This man.
Second, what he says; most of it is again, as I said before, resonating inside my head and inside my heart in a way that frightened me once or twice :(. I think that's why I' am always feeling the urge to cry when thinking of a something he wrote or said.

I've found these pages about him because I'm searching the web in every possible way for any new line that can shed a light on this super man, even in his faults he was super!.Any way this page contains some quotes from one of his books That I need badly to read, Snakes and Ladders .

Thoughts about and by Bogarde

The Bogarde Mystique

The one that I need to copy and put in here is this one :)

"Isolation, even from choice as in my case, incubates self-centredness like a culture...Living in a tower, however secure it may feel, is hardly a social attribute...It was said of me recently that I suffered from an Obsessional Privacy. I can only suppose it must be true." (from A Postillion Struck by Lightening by Dirk Bogarde).

There are very few people that If it was possible I would have loved to be near them in their life at any era since dawn of history, two of them are Egyptian men lived the peak of their lives in the first half of 20th century, the third man ever that I wished to live near is Dirk. 

The Ofiicail site!

I have no explanation except that as ever his words strikes a nerve in me, and so I found this radio program where Dirk Bogarde was a guest, later in his life and after returning to Britain; And it brought tears into my eyes, made me want to cry at one moment.
I need to use waterproof eyeliner more often :(.

http://dirkbogarde.co.uk/archive/audio/desert-island-discs-1989/


His official site is one of the best sites of celebrities I think.  Thanks to the people who run it.

The Servant 1963

Watched the Servant, 2 days ago. Being a person who prefers subtlety and elegance I like this movie much, acting and cinematography especially.
Bogarde had said many times that the camera can capture what you are thinking, and he proved it in this movie in every shot.
Anyway I can't say much about this movie except that Barrett was the most evil servant I've ever met in movies. He plays any card in his hand to control and then destroy his master whom he hated I think even before being hired, the above shot proves it I believe, that's just before the hiring interview. The expression on his face is certainly not pleasant.

 And this wonderful analysis of the movie is the most accurate to what I think of the movie.

“I’m just the servant, madam”
https://cinemalodica.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/im-just-the-servant-madam-an-analysis-of-joseph-loseys-the-servant/

This next post also is very nice especially the captions used with photos included .

The master waits while the servant baits 

It's not exactly black and white you know

As I'm currently going very strongly through the "Dirk phase" ☺ A few hours ago I just finished watching a very good movie of his, Appointment in London (1952). It's a world war II movie, about RAF pilots based in UK during the war.

And the only thought that came into my mind - apart from  "That's a good air raid sequence" near the end - was, that this movie was made in 1952, and it's about British RAF officers and staff during 1939 to 1945 years. It's about men who wanted to defend their home land,and die trying, against an enemy who is trying to invade it, Those same men at the same mentioned years were considered in my country, Egypt , to be The enemy, Ironically for the exact same reason!, they were soldiers of an enemy who was already occupying my Home land. Many men, Egyptian that is, fought them and formed underground armed resistance against them back then and up until 1956 when all occupying British troops left Egypt. Even my grand mother hated British soldiers in the 1940s because they would walk drunk in the streets of Alexandria and harass girls and women. 

And I just wondered, if any one from my people back then should have watched that movie or the likes of it, what would he think, would he still hate the British or admire their courage?, and what would he do when he faces them in a battle?. It was armed resistance after all.
I have watched a lot of WWII movies since I was a child but this is the first time I ever think of such a thing really. And once again it was hard to make up my mind on my final decision regarding this matter. When I was a kid and in history lessons I hated the British who occupied my land, and today I loved the British who defended their land. The same story even goes today maybe with different details but the base is the same. Between the two situations you realize that this life is really about grey scale not the black and white.  Maybe that explains why specially in war time leaders from opposite sides were sometimes respecting each other. 

This next article is a good one from a British point of view, but as far as I'm concerned, we were liberating Our Country ☺.

forgotten war fought by a forgotten army

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-36985325

قل لك إيه؟؟ ... قال لك آااااااااه

قال لك مصر الدولة الأولي في عدد حالات الطلاق في العالم . بمعدل حالة طلاق كل أربع دقائق .. طب ماهو طبعا
طول ما الناس بتتجوز للأسباب الغلط ها تتطلق للأسباب الصحيحة 

   الأسباب بقي تقريبا أغلبها موجود فى الفيلم العظيم اللى فوق ده . وعشان كده غالبا الجوازة بتنتهي بمصير نورماندي تو ..بتغرق
أول سبب هو زينات صدقي و مدام الريس حنفي مجتمعتين  . الأم اللى بتخاف بنتها تعنس .. اللى هو فى أغلب الدوائر حاليا من سن  22 و طالع على أساس أن ما ينفعش تبقي *خطبوها إتعززت وفاتوها إتندمت * و لا *يفوتها القطر* و البنت اللى مقتنعة أن أى رجل و السلام  -يا خواااااتي - لأن *ظل راجل و لا ظل حيطة* مع أن  كثرة العاهات المجتمعية حاليا خلت الحيطة و أحيانا الطوبة قد تكون فعليا أفيد من عشر كائنات بشرية مذكرة
المهم ، زينات بتتجوز إسماعيل ياسين و هي بتحاول تقنع نفسها به و مع انه مش احسن واحد فى الدنيا حتي من وجهة نظرها . و بعد شوية يا تكمل يا تفقد الأمل و تمشي. بس اللى زي زينات ما بتمشيش غالبا وبتتحول علاقتها بجوزها بمرور الزمن لحاجة زي علاقة المعلم حنفي و المدام بتاعته . علاقة غير صحية للطرفين.
 السبب الثاني هى هند رستم شخصيا كتير من الشباب و الرجال عاوز يتجوز هند رستم - مع أن الله يرحمها جيناتها إنقرضت من  مصر أساسا  - بس  بيحاولوا يستنسخوها الحقيقة فى لبنان و عند الكوافيرات ومراكز التجميل و السباز -جمع سبا - و دكاترة التجميل بجميع أنواعهم!.. تقريبا أساسا بيزنس التجميل ده أكبر بيزنس في مصر لزوم الهندرستمية_ المهم أول ما الشاب من دول يلاقي شبيهة هند  رستم من وجهة نظره بيتجوزها على طول من  غير ما يقف لحظة يسأل نفسه هي لما توصل لمرحلة هند رستم في فيلم الخروج من الجنة هاتفضل برضه هند رستم و لا هاتتحول برضه لمدام الريس حنفي !!! على أساس أن *إكفي القدرة على  فمها تطلع البنت لأمها* يعنى بقي و كده .. و لا هو الأمثال اللى فوق بس هي اللي ماشية 

ييجي بقي الشاب اللطيف من دول يتجوز هند رستم بتاعته و يتصدم يا عينى إنها كائن "مورتال" فاني زي باقي البشر  لها لحظات بتبقي  شعرها منكوش و لونه مش كستنائي فاتح و لحظات بتدخل الحمام ولحظات هاتدوشه بزنها عليه أنا عاوزة أخرج وهو لسه راجع مهدود من الشغل-   عشان تحس بالتغيير في حياتها الروتينية- ولحظات جسمها بيبوظ من أفعاله هو.. مش هو اللى طلب صينية الرقاق  منها و هي حامل ووزن الحمل ده ما بيروحش  بسهولة ! .
هند رستم بقى لما بتتحول لمدام حنفي بفعل عوامل التعرية أو بفعل فكرة إنها خلاص إصطادت فتي الأحلام أحمد رمزي فا مفيش  داعي لبذل أى مجهود إضافي، بيبدأ الأفندي يندب حظه اللى هو أساسا جناية يديه هو مش يدين شخص تاني و يبدأ يبص فى إتجاهات "لاتانيا " و لاتالتة كمان ولو دنئ الخلق قوي ممكن يدور على نعمت مختار .
السبب التالت طبعا واضح :) أحمد رمزي . أحمد مش مركز خالص الهرمونات اللى طارت بينه و بين هند رستم  -طبعا - طيرت له عقله لدرجة أنه مش واخد باله أن سعادة البيه اللى أصلا ضابط مش ممكن يعرف فعليا يتفاهم مع بنت شيخ الصيادين ا. إبن القاهرة صعب يتفاهم مع بنت السويس . الخلفيات الإجتماعية مختلفة .. المنظورات مختلفة . المعطيات الثقافية مختلفة .. المحيط مختلف  و عليه طبعا الإهتمامات مختلفة و بالتالي بعد ما يعدي أول أسبوع جواز و على أحسن الفروض أول سنة جواز هايبدأ يحس بالغربة و مش دي اللى كانت فى بالي و  مش عارف أتفاهم معاها .. طب كان فين التفاهم ده يا عم من الأول .. ظهر دلوقتي بس ؟؟  هند رستم أساسا أمها هاتقنعها إنها *تربطه بالعيال* عشان مش هايبقي عندها أى مبرر تاني يخليه يفضل مرتبط بيها بعد ما تزول غشاوة الهرمونات دى .  و بالتالي أحمد رمزي في أحسن الأحوال  هايبقي متاخد رهينة فى الجوازة دي . رهينة و التمن ولاده . رمزي حاجة من الأتنين يا إما يتنازل عن الأنانية الإنسانية و الأبوة تتغلب عليه و يفضل صابر لحد ما الأولاد يكبروا و بعدين يهرب بجلده
يا إما يهرب بجلده بدري بدري بقي .
السبب اللي بعده هو المعلم حنفي . المعلم حنفي عاوز يتطمن علي بناته عشان بعد عمر طويل ما يبقوش لوحدهم فى الدنيا و بالتالي بيحاول يدبسهم في أى عريس هو شايفه مناسب و غالبا بيبقى أى عريس متقدم هو عريس مناسب  مش مهم بقي هل هو الباز أفندي اللى كرافتته ترد الروح و هو أساسا ساقط إبتدائية ولا هو أحمد رمزي الظابط المتنكر .. و النتيجة مش مناسبة خالص غالبا .
المجتمع اللى بيخلط بين القدرة على إنجاح عملية بيولوجية زي التزاوج و القدرة على إنجاح عملية إجتماعية زي الزواج معتقدش أنه مفروض يستغرب تحول نسبة كبيرة من حالات الجواز لطلاق . تزويق نورماندي تو بالبوية من برة مش هايمنع غرقها بأى صورة .

أقبل الليل . تاني :)... أو ثالث .. .أو 100 حتى !:D

 النهاردة الخريف هلت روائحه جدا :) البحر و الغروب و هواء الخريف  أستدعوا أقبل الليل جدا و كانت مناسبة جدا جدا ..

لحن عبقري .. نظم عبقري .. وأداء عبقري 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBrwvLWxbVA

. أم كلثوم كانت فعلا هدية السماء لمصر و العالم فى القرن العشرين :)  الحمد لله

and ... Dirk, the one who can deliver lines in a way that is Très chic ;)

I won't comment on this video, I'm busy melting right now and that's all ❤❤❤❤❤

Dirk Bogarde sings Lyrics for Lovers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsJqxLZdAuM

Dirk the actor !

So, tonight I'm continuing with Bogarde the actor, I mentioned that I met him first in a light movie of his starts where he was just a pretty boy.  The second movie I watched for him was Sebastian, he was a mature man then, and Sebastian also rang a bell, I found it aching but funny, some how I identified with Sebastian I think, only difference is that I'm in a slightly better condition :D.

from then on I watched Justine, Hunted, Doctor at sea , a part from Doctor in distress, Victim, Cast  a dark shadow, The damned, The night porter, The password is courage, Desperate moment, The angle wore red , Esther Waters and Campbell's kingdom . So you see , I really became obsessed :D :D :D 

most of these  movies were good value, the damned certainly was shocking and repulsive yet I liked how it was made, how really really it showed how ugly Nazism is, it's so powerful that it can turn anyone even a Nazi against Nazism :).

Victim is praised to be the first movie in British cinema to talk frankly about homosexuals and even defending them in a way, and Bogarde was praised for courage to do a role which could have ended his career; and he did it well enough. 

I liked him especially as the priest in angel wore red and in the password is courage, in hunted and cast a dark shadow .

But what really made me want to talk about Dirk the actor is the movie 'The night porter'. I loved this movie. Yes , as simple as that, I Loved it. I have to say that I watched it on YouTube on 11 parts with the 10th missing. I maybe missing a lot of details when watching over YouTube but still , what I have watched , and I watched it for 3 times in one week, was so good to make me believe it's his best movie for me so far. I still want badly to watch the servant , darling and Death in Venice which he himself considers to be his best work.

The first time was a shock and amusement, a shock because of the content as whole and what to make of it; amusement, basically because of Charlotte Rampling, she could look convincing as 14 years old girl  and a 30 years old woman  at the same movie :D also , the way she and Dirk moved near each other especially in his apartment , they moved like cats I thought , in a very natural way that must make you notice and wonder!. I don't think I've ever seen any such movement in any other movie, and I have seen a lot.
What kept me needing to see the movie again and again was Bogarde (as Max) performance in 3 scenes, when he spots her in the hotel for the first time after a long time, when he introduces his *present* to her after her topless dance in the camp, and when he tells the countess about his/their *Biblical* story. he was AMAZING in those 3 scenes .  

Max telling his biblical story ! 

The later 2 scenes told me very clearly that Max is Crazy & in Love, both. I adore seeing his expression when he waits her to open the *present*. The first scene tells me that he is still in love with her, after all these years, He is not afraid as much as he is confused.

Also one of the most important scenes that actually got me so confused the first time watching was the scene  between them both in her room after her husband leaves the hotel. I didn't hear what they were saying clearly,And I was surprised by the dynamics in the scene, they were again two wild cats , really Wild this time, I mean later in his apartment they both were more timid cats, but in that scene they were both very wild , confusing, That particular scene used their bodies and voices not their faces most of the time, and used light and shadow in a super way. At the end of it , Max stands tall and assured in the door way saying one very confident phrase. I love his tone saying that phrase.

"If you want to call Frankfurt, Just pick up the phone!"

Almost all the reviews I read about this movie see it as the Nazi officer criminal / concentration camp victim tale, condemning what he did to her and seeing her submission to him as a result for their SM relationship. But from my first viewing I dare say I saw a love story , twisted and sick maybe, but still a love story between them both, and to my enjoyment, skimming YouTube for any interviews about this movie I found one where Charlotte Ramling herself said they did - she and Bogarde - saw the story as a love story and that's how they both and the director decided to present it.
The Poster tells me I'm right :) the yin-yang in it , Max is yin and Lucia is yang or vice versa , Max himself has a yin-yang feelings and actions ,and so is Lucia.
The yin yang symbol by definition says it is "a circle divided by an S-shaped line into a dark and a light segment, representing respectively yin and yang, each containing a 'seed' of the other".And that's, I believe, is a huge part of what this movie wanted to say, not defending a Nazi soldier, Just putting some light on examples of tormented souls. and leaves us to make sense of what they are. as every good movie, leaves us audience thinking a lot about the why and why not, a good satisfying interpretation for what we just saw. I'll never believe that Dirk Bogarde was ever to make any movie defending Nazis any way.

Now , on September 7th I add this to the post :)

First , a photo of a long scene I referred to above, I got it from Sir Dirk Bogarde Facebook page. The scene where they both acted like wild cats, to the left is the start of the scene, and to the right is the end of it :).Mark the way he stands to the left and then to the right :) It is why I love that scene really.

Actually I couldn't find any other photo for this part of the scene and to me these 2 parts of the long scene are as important as the rest of it.

I'm continuing to talk about the movie because basically I was too tired yesterday to collect all my thoughts or what I want to say about the movie .

The most important to say first that I think the heading quote I use in this blog - the one by Tawfiq Al-Hakim - could have been used as a perfect start for this movie .
" Within man lies a deep wondrous spot, to which neither virtue nor vice can reach. Upon which the sun of reason and will never rise. In which the mouth of logic never speaks "

I mean lots tried to find a reason for why Lucia had left her husband for Max, may be a Stockholm syndrome could satisfy some people as an explanation, but frankly it didn't satisfy me.

Also, I need to say that one of the most powerful scenes to me was the scene where all the new prisoners in the camp are naked and being asked their info. as simple and calm as it was, It shocked me to the bone and the one thought that came into my mind was Dante Alighieri's Inferno. I think the director did a very good job with such simple but powerful scenes. The carousel shots is another example. I liked most of what she decided to do in that movie :)

I Think that's all I want to say about this movie, and right now I'm fighting the urge to swatch it for the fourth time in 10 days or so :D 

Dirk ...

And so I'm back again , and all because of him ..

Dirk Bogarde, he is my new obsession, and has been for the past few days :D .
I'm really really obsessed with him, obsessed with this beautiful man. I normally won't call a man "beautiful" because I believe beautiful should be used only for women. next to Bogarde I think the only 2 men I can describe as beautiful are the young Tyrone Power and the young Alain Delon. But, I never wrote a post about Alain Delon or Tyrone Power (I think !) And never was that obsessed with them either ! actually I was never obsessed with any beautiful or handsome actor that much!.
I'm a normal woman who loves a handsome, let alone a Manly-Beautiful man. But in Dirk's case  I believe that what made him different to me is his persona ,The human not the actor .
I knew the name for more than 25 years, I knew the older Bogarde some how from TV, of course the "Face" was to catch any normal female's eye even if a teen age female ;). And then the name was said to be homosexual in the closet who passed away in 1999.
Back then, I never bothered to look his movies up though I love movies especially old ones, In fact I don't like the idea of homosexuality at all, it's against my religion and against what I believe is nature's intentions (sexual-wise) regardless of religion. So I didn't think I needed another Rock Hudson who was the SHOCK of my early teens!.
But that's not what I'm talking about any way. What I'm talking about is the good chance that made me, after all those years, And after me becoming a more edge-polished person who would take the good side form any given and ignore the bad, watch a small funny movie for Dirk and I liked the face, the body too as I like slender men, and of course the voice, the way he talked.

And so the journey of discovering this actor began - a fine actor he was but that's another story :) - and led to discovering this Man, I've watched a number of his movies and watched I think All his interviews that are available on Youtube .audio or video. And I was struck in awe.
The man is insightful in an awesome way I never imagined from an actor, he is intelligent,  honest to himself above all, a believer in most of what he did in his life, a gentleman who never tells, man of no none-sense who rose above the image of a star in a time when all had to be stars no matter how much it ate them - Judy and Marilyn and Elvis are perfect examples - .
I always believed that the British or Europeans in general are deeper than the new world people but Bogarde struck me really.
And so I fell in love with this man who admitted that the war had the hugest impact on him, a young man in his early 20s , that it made him want to get married during the war then he decided to live for himself, and never get married because he didn't want to bring children to the misery of this world, Regardless of him being homosexual or not, he could have accepted the star-arranged marriages of the era, He admitted that he is a selfish - an Aries is always selfish charmer I assure you :) -  who would want to be left to his privacy and enjoy himself the way he pleased with no attachment to family or kids. That his mother reflected her aches and yearning for stage acting on the family. and That he didn't want a younger brother at the age of 13-14.  That he made some films for the money and made some for his own pleasure as a mature actor. That he loved his country the way he wanted it not the way it became and so he left it !.And that he let down a friend in need because that was the only thing to do to save himself, and that he regretted it. I became obsessed with him because I believed every word he said in every interview I listened to, because what he said touched a hundred nerve and rang a hundred bell in me.
I love most that he never submitted to the idea of pretty-boy with good genes which kept him look younger than he is.
He might have been a homosexual, though I'd really hate the idea of this beauty and charm being wasted on another man :S, but I don't care, I still want to read his books and his autobiographies and listen to any interview with him I come across.

A final note; one of the most striking comments on a picture of anybody I have ever read was on a Facebook's photo of Dirk, this photo

and the comment read : "The face of a human who has lived a Life, marvelous" by a fan named Jeanette Trumeau.


P.S. On my newly-started journey to find out about him I found that I'm not the only one who re-discovered Dirk :)
http://discoveringdirkbogarde.blogspot.com

liked this link too :) http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/books/article-1050508/Dirks-good-life--bad-spelling-EVER-DIRK-edited-John-Coldstream.html

Cheesy adolescent :D

Today my mom retrieved me an old cassette of mine :), back in time when I was young I used to buy blank cassettes and record my then favorite music on them so that I could have a tape full only of songs that I like and nothing else.
I would play those tapes on and on endlessly while I did what ever I had to do, play, cook, study , any thing . Today I relieved the situation again, it was like a deja vu :D cooking to my recorded music. It was great and funny in a way  :D .
Funny because mainly I smiled at the cheesiness of some of the songs I chose to record back then :D :D I guess I can attribute that to the age I recorded it, the adolescence, little did I know about good music I suppose but probably my taste was under-development  back then. I mean I had good music as well, but some songs in that tape I would never ever include in my favorite song's collection at all.
One of those Songs i'm sorry to declare is Lady, Kenny Rogers. I guess maybe in this particular song it is because it was almost a stable in every wedding I attended through the 1980s and early 90s , so may be I coupled it with  romance as I imagined it back then :D :D  Today If I'm choosing a romantic song to include in my romantic collection I'd probably not choose a song with that same atmosphere as "Lady".But then again, It might not be that cheesy after all and I just grew up and believe that romance is much more complicated than the simplicity of Lady  ... don't know!.

Energy vampires

Energy vampires : are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person's perspective. They often lack empathy.

To have some of them in family and some at work can give you some idea how lucky I am :S :D :D 


I liked this post about them :) enjoy it too, I hope.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7212/energy-vampires-who-they-are-how-to-ditch-them.html

To my Mr. fifty ..a Thank You note... ten years later!

Well, I just hope you read this post :)

Why this late ?. I don't know, may be it's because as we grow older we come to understand or re-evaluate people and/or situations more accurately and so we understand more. It took me like seven or eight years to realize that I really want to thank you. Which means that I have been thinking about writing this note for ... like 3 years.

Why did I choose to call you Mr. Fifty ?. :D Well, may be because one day a long time ago, ten years or so,  you said you had a "dark side" that we never really delved into but I could guess parts of it in a way, and so he reminds me of you. Maybe because like him, you used the word "It's complicated" a lot :) I would say, a lot more than him. And maybe because I want  to return to my younger more carefree, playful self, who used to play with words or so and let movies and novels have a great influence on her expressions. But probably because I evaluate you and I in our humble chaste old relationship as Mr. fifty and miss Steele.
I just hope my subconscious is not that twisted to wish to be Ana Steele :D.

Some metaphor I know, but I find it incredibly fit :), the physical aspect of their relationship was never there in ours in any form I know, But, and that's what a want to thank you for...

Through you, I learned a lot, and I mean a lot, about people in general, about life, about art even, but mostly and most importantly I guess, about myself .
Somehow, Unknown to you at first I believe, You took that old naive girl who was really with the emotions of a 15 year old to the new level of her real age and mindset.
I thank you for accepting our differences, most of the time :D, and focusing on what we had in common.
I thank you for not enforcing any thing that I didn't like to deal with,
I thank you for putting me on the first step of a long staircase leading me to understand myself, know what I would accept and what I would refuse, what I would like and what I would hate, what I would tolerate And what I would never ever tolerate.
I thank you for giving me a chance to see a man with a dark side and realize that he is not the worst creature on planet, To teach me that bad is not absolute and so I made the correlation and learned that good is not absolute too. And that is one important correlation in this modern life :).
Most important point I really wanted to thank you for is being True to yourself, most of the time I know, not full time :) but at least you had the courage to say out loud at least once how do you really see yourself. Though I too - like Grey - think the distance gives people some courage.
Through you and because of you I learned that life isn't really black or white, that people are never in black or white, each and every one of us is really fifty shades of gray, that the only difference is that some people admit that they have this dark side and some live the lie till the end .

P.S. I know for sure that you never meant to teach me all that, and for sure you don't know that you had such an impact on me, but I thank the chance that made it happen :).