On a side track !

Don't know if it's normal or not but lately reading has been like a reflection-inducing process .
And two days ago reading words written about/by Dirk Bogarde made me -suddenly-  realize for the first time in years why exactly I loved my field of profession yet I never really bothered to read about its developments. I don't love It, I just loved its dynamics, that's all, The Dynamics. More like loving to eat regardless of what you eat or its quality, or even learning to cook. Like loving sex regardless of the partner. Strange but true.
I think I did write an old post here about being Adrenaline-junkie -on a minimum level of course ☺-, I loved the excitement that is in the tight schedule and challenge in finding a way to do things with what we have in hand, even producing a creative product. I liked the capability of being creative, even on a tiny scale. I loved that it wasn't bureaucratic or red-tape obedient. I loved the team-work with people I used to work with, we were literally like playing ping-pong always making our best each in his area to produce the best we can.
I loved all that yet I never ever wanted to read more into the profession, the field of knowledge,  I thought I loved It so I always wondered why can't I stand reading in its new developments. I mean I love reading in general and I spend hours surfing the internet to read about a lot of things yet I never could stand reading in details of my profession for more than 2-3 hours continuously !!! and all would be forgotten in a week at the max. It won't occupy the tiniest space in my head for long.
But, thanks to the reflections I've been having compulsively lately I think I was enlightened and freed at the same time.
Enlightened for now I understand why I used to love what I'm doing for living, not anymore in a way. And freed because I know now that I can leave it if I want -and can-  and all I need to do is find another medium that need only to have the dynamics I used to love.

Thanks Dirk ☺☺ you've been very helpful and a powerful source of my happiness lately.

To my Mr. fifty ..a Thank You note... ten years later!

Well, I just hope you read this post :)

Why this late ?. I don't know, may be it's because as we grow older we come to understand or re-evaluate people and/or situations more accurately and so we understand more. It took me like seven or eight years to realize that I really want to thank you. Which means that I have been thinking about writing this note for ... like 3 years.

Why did I choose to call you Mr. Fifty ?. :D Well, may be because one day a long time ago, ten years or so,  you said you had a "dark side" that we never really delved into but I could guess parts of it in a way, and so he reminds me of you. Maybe because like him, you used the word "It's complicated" a lot :) I would say, a lot more than him. And maybe because I want  to return to my younger more carefree, playful self, who used to play with words or so and let movies and novels have a great influence on her expressions. But probably because I evaluate you and I in our humble chaste old relationship as Mr. fifty and miss Steele.
I just hope my subconscious is not that twisted to wish to be Ana Steele :D.

Some metaphor I know, but I find it incredibly fit :), the physical aspect of their relationship was never there in ours in any form I know, But, and that's what a want to thank you for...

Through you, I learned a lot, and I mean a lot, about people in general, about life, about art even, but mostly and most importantly I guess, about myself .
Somehow, Unknown to you at first I believe, You took that old naive girl who was really with the emotions of a 15 year old to the new level of her real age and mindset.
I thank you for accepting our differences, most of the time :D, and focusing on what we had in common.
I thank you for not enforcing any thing that I didn't like to deal with,
I thank you for putting me on the first step of a long staircase leading me to understand myself, know what I would accept and what I would refuse, what I would like and what I would hate, what I would tolerate And what I would never ever tolerate.
I thank you for giving me a chance to see a man with a dark side and realize that he is not the worst creature on planet, To teach me that bad is not absolute and so I made the correlation and learned that good is not absolute too. And that is one important correlation in this modern life :).
Most important point I really wanted to thank you for is being True to yourself, most of the time I know, not full time :) but at least you had the courage to say out loud at least once how do you really see yourself. Though I too - like Grey - think the distance gives people some courage.
Through you and because of you I learned that life isn't really black or white, that people are never in black or white, each and every one of us is really fifty shades of gray, that the only difference is that some people admit that they have this dark side and some live the lie till the end .

P.S. I know for sure that you never meant to teach me all that, and for sure you don't know that you had such an impact on me, but I thank the chance that made it happen :).

القائمة زادت واحد

 ما بكيتش المرة دى زى ما بكيت المرة اللى فاتت  مع أن الفقيد المرة دى غالي و إبن غالية  

المرة دي إستوعبت الموضوع أسرع. و الأفكار كانت مختلفة شوية. العبث التام ..الحياة دى عبارة عن عبث تام .مالهاش لازمة و الجملة الوحيدة اللى ترددت فى دماغي كانت أن الدنيا و لاااااااااااا تسوى . انى محتاجة أرجع للخطة الأصلية . اللى هى الإنعزال عن الحياة العامة فى خلال خمس سنوات و التفرغ للآخرة بس  . إنما المشكلة الأساسية أنى مش ضامنة أنى أفضل عايشة لحد أما الخمس سنين دول يعدوا !!! طب أعمل إيه ؟ أعتزل من دلوقتى ؟؟ طيب من هايفهمنى ومين هايوافقني و مين هايساعدني !؟ محدش ...و أنا عارفة . و هاتتفسر تفسيرات من قبيل الإكتئاب و الإحباط و حاجات كده . إزاى أخد القرار و إزاى أنفذه .. و أنا أصلا لازلت على أمل  تانى مش عارفة هايوصلنى لحد فين و لو أنها هانت لأن خلاص الباقى من الزمن ثلاثة أشهر بالتمام من النهاردة .. إما إنتهت لما  أتمنى أن يحدث و إما إنتهت لما أتمنى أن أتقبل !. و في كل الأحوال برضه هو جزء من العبث اللى أسمه حياة ... بنضيع و قتنا فيه فى حين أننا المفترض نضيعه فى العمل للحياة الفعلية .. الموت و ما بعده!ـ

كما قال الأقدمون

بعد مرور يوم على بداية 2012 .....(لا) عزيزتي 2011 ..يسعدني أقول لك 

إلى حيث ألقت

Red x Pink

It was too much red for my nerves !!

N.B.

4 years of blogging .

A Second change

So, in almost 4 years, here is the second change in this blog's look. the first was a change from the childish playful colored look into the "above shown" dead-calm wondering look. Now it's a change from the Very Calm look to a Calm look with a bit of flame within. Sure as always wondering, but in what manner ?... no answer yet !.

3 سنين

خلال الأسبوع ده تكون مرت 3 سنين على البلوج ده

يمكن ده أول كشف حساب من سنتين تقريبا
ببساطة ... 3 سنين فيهم الحلاوة و المرارة و المزيج منهم ...غيرونى كتير وعلمونى كتير

البلوج بدأ بإسمى و أصبح له إسم مختلف .. بدأ بروح ما و إنتهى بروح مختلفة .. بدأ بشكل و ألوان ما و إنتهى بالشكل الحالى

قفلته بعد تفكير لكنى أعدته لأنه كان أقوى و أجبرنى على العودة

يوليو ... بقي شهر الذكريات الحلوة المرة ...... ومع الوقت بننسى المرارة

A rollback

When I decided to stop blogging back in January, It wasn't a quick decision. I had already felt that I can't write anything that seemed good to me for many months, and it was devastating to see that I can't even think and have one good idea or feeling expressed. The decision was about to be finalized in last November but for some reasons I decided not to do it then. By Jan. it was very hard to go on, and so I decided to stop.
Such a decision was not easy for me to take, this blog means alot to me ... and did alot to me, it was always a good relief from this exhaustig world. Meshmesha, my friend, she knew that and so she was shocked that I took this action. Well, I couldn't pretend that I felt ok with my posts, no matter how they looked, I was never the same person who blogged a year or even six months earlier, it was no fun or relief like before!. It's the feeling that mattered I guess, not the looks.
And since January, I hated more and more the feeling that I can't trap a thought for more than 5 minutes, litterally. It seemed to me that I am runing away from my own thoughts, maybe I did and maybe I really have nothing that matters to think about, or maybe I dismiss them and then pretend that I have nothing to think about, I don't know. Whatever it was the real reason for this state, I was sure that I'll never be able to come back, Even if I wanted to.
But an hour ago a nostalgic post I read on a blog, with one song made me smile again and think of something that I can and want to write about ... I think I may never return in the same frequency as before, or even this rollback may fail, either way I'll give it a try.

One last note

درس مـتأخـر

ذكـــاء ... ان يكون عندك بعد نظر ...قدرة على تحليل موقف حالى و تخيل احتمالات تداعياته قبل فترة من حدوثها و محاولة تفادى وضع خطر

غـبـاء ... انك برغم كده تقع فى الغلطة اللى تنبأت بها نتيجة لعدم قدرتك على التحكم والخضوع للإنفعال

الأدهى وقمة الغباء ... إنك تكرر الغلطة تاني

The Rogue Wandrer

Till the begining of this month, July 08, this blog had for almost 24 months another name and another URL. Back then when I first started this blog the only name that I liked and had a meaning to me was the translation of my first name from Persian to English. I thought maybe what I will write will explain me, just like I was explaining my name in the begining of the blog back then. What I had in mind to write about in this blog was alot different from what life made me write. I can still now see me thinking while going to work about what will I call it and what will I write in it, the subjects, the main tags, may be wishing to declare my opinions and what i think about alot and alot of small matters that may not be of interest to alot of people in this noisy disturbing world. Things like my favorite movies and books, characters and quotes, hobbies and wishes, roses and stones, fashion and cities, princesses and actresses, I thought it might be a cozy corner for me and whoever might pass by and like what I like.
The whole idea proved to be a good one in fact. For a long time I had constant readers, 2 in fact , and 2 semi-constant readers; that was fine actually, i don't like crowds anyway.
Then came this experience, parallel to the blog experience some how, it started affecting me, my thoughts and feelings,even my nerves were affected. And I couldn't help it, I started to reflect it in my blog, some times it was like that experience possessed my mind and thoughts. But while that happened I started to search inside myself ... and outside it too for answers, what i do and what i think, my actions and reactions, why do i do things. Actually I was observing me in a way, and found that the description of my personality i got once through a small test was actually a nearly perfect description of me, that despite the calm and steady home and work life I'm a vagabond in a bizzare way, A Rogue Wandrer !.
So, here I am, and I don't know for how long !.

2007

Should i call 2007 a good or bad year in my life ? I've asked myself that question for about 2 weeks in December when i realized that i'll have to write my account for the year like i did last year. Then for some reasons i discarded the whole idea of writting it, then another decision for writting but not publishing it, a private account, then ........


If i have to call my 2007 i'd call it The RollerCoaster ride year. All is wonderful at one moment, the next it's all upside down, i cried of joy and fear, felt free and happy some times and felt totally captive and all tied up some other times; been imbalanced ,and i mean imbalanced, for so long; and for a tiny little while i cursed whatever brought me to such a ride.

Then when i got into a better condition, i thought no; it was ok, it was Good in fact. Nothing is Perfect, it's the quality of the good part of anything that makes us perceive it as perfect or near perfect or else .... a disaster. Looking at the bright side, i think the good part of this year was of a Good quality.

The most important thing i learned in 2007 was that i knew nothing about myself; which was strange, suprising and some times painful to discover. But looking at the course of events, i knew a little about Me. A human being is the most complicated thing on earth, really. And one wish for the next year(s) is that i can handle this creature i'd discovered, in a proper way !

I won't say if i hope for or regret anything about the days that went by or the days to come. I don't know about that, really; But i know i have such wonderful friends whome i wish to thank for what they did for me in 2007, and wish them all the happiness in the world in 2008 and the years to come.

MY Color Scheme

For a while i've been thinking of changing this blog's template. I thought that over 16 months in the previous dark blue with colorful dots as a background pattern was more than enough for me; yet every time i checked for other templates, i end up liking the existing one more than any other color scheme. Even when i was totally upset, i disliked black templates, and when i was really happy i never really considered rose or fully bright colored templates too. So , color psychology came into my mind, why do i always return to square number 1, the same old template !!!!? May be this is the answer ..... !!

Blue : Blue is described as a favorite color by many people and is the color most preferred by men. Blue calls to mind feelings of calmness or serenity. It is often described as peaceful, tranquil, secure, and orderly.
It can also create feelings of sadness or aloofness.We usually associate the color blue with the night and thus we feel relaxed and calmed. Lighter blues make us feel quite and away from the rush of the day. These colors can be useful in eliminating insomnia. Blue can also lower the pulse rate and body temperature. Like yellow, blue inspires mental control, clarity and creativity. However, too much dark blue can be depressing.

And I had 2 Blues , bright azure blue and dark blue

Orange : Orange is a combination of yellow and red and is considered an energetic color. It calls to mind feelings of excitement, enthusiasm, and warmth. Orange has shown to have only positive affects on your emotional state. It is often used to draw attention, such as in traffic signs and advertising.This color relieves feelings of self-pity, lack of self-worth and unwillingness to forgive. Orange opens your emotions and is a terrific antidepressant.

And I had a a kind of pinkish orange

Green : Green creates feelings of comfort, laziness, relaxation, calmness.Grean also represents tranquility, good luck, health, and jealousy. It helps us balance and soothe our emotions and is often used in decorating for its calming effect. Some attribute this to its connection with nature and our natural feelings of affiliation with the natural world when experiencing the color green.Green is thought to relieve stress and help heal. Yet, darker and grayer greens can have the opposite effect. These olive green colors remind us of decay and death and can actually have a detrimental effect on physical and emotional health. Note that sickened cartoon characters always turned green.

And I had one cool lime green


I only chose this new template for the tranquillity of the header picture :) ................ for a while.

* * * * * * F I E S T A * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Was

Will Be

Is

And Always :) ,

Francesa: I was just going to have some iced tea and split the atom.

Robert Kincaid: When I think of why I make pictures, the reason that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you.

Francesca: And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.

Robert Kincaid: I don't want to need you, 'cause I can't have you.

Francesca: I realized love won't obey our expectations, it's mystery is pure and absolute.

Robert Kincaid: The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them.

Robert Kincaid: Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort.

حساب ربع السنة الثالث

بإختصار
Most turbulent
على كل المستويات

ِ

حساب ربع السنة الثانى

المرة دى الحساب مختلف تماما عن الربع الاول - من بين الأربع أشخاص إللى أعرفهم و عارفين البلوج أقدر أعلن رسميا إن 2 بس هم المهتمين بيه و بالتالى هما بس اللى بيقرأوه و بيدونى تعليقات أشكرهم جدا عليها . القراء الغير معروفين لي المرة دى عددهم صفر .كان فيه 3 تعليقات - بالإكراه - أعتقد أنهم نوع من broadcasting

على الموقع بغض النظر لمين

على عكس الربع الأول اللى أغلب كتاباته ناتجة عن افكار ، أغلب كتابات الربع التانى كانت إنعكاس لمشاعرى الشخصية و أحيانا أكتر من مجرد إنعكاس ......... الصور كمان كانت إنعكاس . فيما عدا صور خام الجبس :) . لكن لازال فى فمى ماء

الشهر الاخير و أكتر شهر كتبت فيه . احيانا 2 فى المرة . ولظروف كتير يمكن كان يبقى عدد أكبر. لازلت بأكتب أجزاء هأرجع لها بعد فترة و أشوف الدنيا عملت ايه

- الحساب المرة دى قبل نهاية الـ3 شهور بخمس أيام . بس حسيت أنه لازم أكتبه و اتمنى استمر بنفس القوة و الدافع لحسابات تالية.

حساب الربع سنة الأول

بالضبط البلوج ده إتعمل من 3 شهور و يومين

: حسابه

عدد لا بأس به من الخواطر

!!! قلت فيه حاجات كتير - وماقلتش فيه حاجات أكتر - لأنى غالبا بأحط فى فمى ماء وأنا بأتكلم

سجلت مشاعر وقتية وسجلت حاجات علشان أشوفها بعد سنين وأفكر تانى فى الدنيا وأحوالها

كتبت عن حاجات أثرت في جدا من وأنا طفلة أساسا

كتبت أجزاء من أغاني بحبها و بتأثر في و بأفتكرها فى مواقف معينة

كتبت جمل من أفلام أنا شايفاها معبرة

كتبت جزء من كتاب صغير جدا بأحبه ليوسف فرانسيس

حطيت صور ل 3 شخصيات مصرية أنا بأحب أفتكرها

!!! فسرت معنى أسمى مترجما من الفارسى للإنجليزي و إكتشفت مؤخرا إنى إخترت - لا إراديا- أغرب تفسير له

بـإستثناء أصحابى و معارفى اللى عارفين البلوج - و اللى معبرنيش منهم بتعليق غير 2 - فيه قارئة واحدة - زميلة إماراتية- كتبت لى تعليقين أنا شاكراها عليهم و اكتشفت إنها قريبة منى فى صفات معينة . يمكن كل اللى بيكتبوا بلوجز كده ؟؟

عموما المحصلة النهائية للحساب ده أنه تجربة جميلة عبرت فيها عن نفسى بطريقة أو بأخرى و مش مهم مين هايقرا . وإن
أنا شاكرة الظروف اللى عملت فيها البلوج ده ......فعلا